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The Secret's Out: Some Women Fear Commitment, Too
By INGRID STURGIS, AOL COACHES

Elina Furman
You know her.
She is the queen of first dates. She has a coterie of close girlfriends with whom she dissects in detail every humiliating date with the bad boys she adores. She's the one who has been happily engaged for half a decade or more with no wedding in sight. Or she rebounds from one long-term relationship to another without ever stopping to reflect. She tells you that all the good men are taken. You tell her she's too picky. She replies, "Why do I have to settle?"

Some might call her an independent woman. But Elina Furman, author of 'Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky, and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Her Fear of Commitment,' calls her commitment phobic. Apparently women are not only bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan, but they've adopted the same bad behaviors that women have long attributed to men.

"There are a lot of woman in their mid-20s and -30s doing everything to sabotage their relationships," Furman says, from dismissing men before getting to know them better to playing the field. Even women in their 40s and older -- who have been married, divorced and have raised their children -- are reveling in their newfound freedom.

Overcome Fear of Commitment

Elina Furman offers single women tips and advice on how to conquer their commitment anxiety and curb overanalysis.

Get More Relationship Advice From Elina Buy 'Kiss and Run' Visit Elina's Web Site Kiss and Run: She's Got Issues Get More Dating Advice From AOL Love & Sex Listen to Love, Sex & Self-Help Interviews More Tips and Advice From AOL Coaches
In the past 30 years, society has changed, giving women more options for work, family and relationships. As a result, women are more independent than ever. At 47 million strong, according to the U.S. Census, single women are the fastest growing segment of the American population. And with society more accepting of their single status, women are free to pursue whatever choices they want to make. However, conflicts can arise from all this newfound freedom: More women are living life on their own terms but finding it harder to compromise.

Furman says she knows these commitment-phobic women well because she used to be one of them. "I was in a long-term relationship. We never even talked about marriage or moving in together. It never came up once in all the time we were together. What's wrong with me that I would be with someone for that long and not think about it as a possibility?"

When that relationship ended, Furman says she became a serial dater. Eventually, she was dissatisfied with her relationships with men. "Every day I would struggle with wanting to stay and wanting to leave. Is this person right for me?" Furman says she started to wonder what was at the root of her behavior. Like any good researcher, the author, (who previously homed into another lifestyle trend with her book 'Boomerang Nation') began to ask questions, eventually interviewing 100 women about their views on relationships. "I needed answers," she says. "I started interviewing women. I talked to psychologists."

The work eventually helped her to get at the root of her issues. It was, she says, a cathartic experience and fodder for the book. "Other women needed the help as well. It validates our fears. So many women wrote in who had the same issues."

The Secret's Out: Some Women Fear Commitment, Too
By INGRID STURGIS
Continued From Page 1

One of those issues is the strength of female bonding. "Girlfriends travel together," the author says. "And women are single for so much longer. I believe in the bonds that women share, but women have become so close knit that there is no room for a man to come in anymore. All emotional needs are taken care of by a small group of women who have a stake in keeping each other single."

Overcome Fear of Commitment

Elina Furman offers single women tips and advice on how to conquer their commitment anxiety and curb overanalysis.

Get More Relationship Advice From Elina Buy 'Kiss and Run' Visit Elina's Web Site Kiss and Run: She's Got Issues Get More Dating Advice From AOL Love & Sex Listen to Love, Sex & Self-Help Interviews More Tips and Advice From AOL Coaches
Another is the pickiness. "We always see the stereotype of the men who want to date a supermodel. Now we see this happening with women," Furman says. "Expectations are skyrocketing out of control. Women have economic power and now they are acting like men. Pickiness is a luxury that women can now afford."

One prime example is Jennifer Aniston's dashed relationship with Brad Pitt, whom tabloids say only wanted to settle down and have children, which he has done with Angelina Jolie. She, ironically, is yet another independent woman whom tabloids often point out is ambivalent about marriage but not children. Another example is the runaway bride who skipped out on her groom and her wedding and fled to Mexico.

Commitment phobia is not just an American trend but also a global phenomenon, Furman says, with women in Japan, Australia and Britain adopting the same behaviors. These women, she says, are not settling down. They want to experience life, shop, travel, work, count their money and play. "They fear having a husband is going to compromise their lifestyle," she says. "They fear of giving up freedom." In addition, she says, relationships get a bad rap today with all the negative messages in the media about relationships. "Growing up in this day and age, you'd be freaked out, too," Furman says.

This trend is especially unsettling for men, the author says. "Men don't understand why women are roaring so much. A lot of men are much more relationship- and family-oriented than women." She says women often feel that men have more to gain in a marriage and many feel as if men always win and women always lose in a relationship. In addition, when men play the nice guy, they may not get the girl. The author says, often it's not his issues but hers that interfere in a relationship. She says many women are saying to men, "It's your fault," rather than admit that they are scared of commitment.

Furman says for years, everyone quoted erroneous statistics that said there were not enough men for all the single women. She says even though those stats have been debunked, women still rely on flawed probabilities, often blaming men for their predicament. However, says Furman, this defeatism masks their underlying fear of commitment. The ones who say there aren't enough men are blaming things outside themselves. The author says women should stop looking outside themselves and look inside to figure out why they are afraid of intimacy. Intimacy, she says, can be scary.

So what's a woman to do? Furman says the first step is to admit you have a problem. In 'Kiss and Run,' she details seven types of commitment phobes: The Nit-Picker, The Serial Dater, The Long-Distance Runner, The Tinker Belle, The Free Spirit, Damsel in Distress and The Player. In addition, her book offers steps on how to stop derailing relationships with quizzes, first-person accounts and expert advice to help these women to change their ways. Eventually, Furman says, commitment phobic women can get over themselves and move on to a healthy, satisfying and emotionally committed relationship. She ought to know; she did.

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Are you a Consistent Individual?
By Michele R. Hughes

What is a consistent individual? In my opinion, it is a person who lives their life in an orderly manner. Is your life organized and disciplined? What motivates you to do better? Do you realize you have talents and dreams that are within you, but are not being utilized; due to you not having an organized and orderly lifestyle? This dysfunction is causing you to not reach your potential in life. Do you have desires to become a consistent person? Well, this is a start in the right direction.

Do not fret to long, because I had to analyze my own life? This is why I am asking you to ask yourself some questions concerning being a consistent individual. Here are eight categories with questions to ponder, they are not hard, just everyday routines that we sometimes take for granted, for instance:

� Are you on time for meetings, events, church services, dinner parties, doctor appointments, etc.?

� Are you a dependable person, if someone solicits your help? Do you volunteer your services?

� Are you a faithful marriage partner to your spouse?

� Do you overeat? Do you have a drinking or drug problem? Do you have to be in charge? Are you

into titles? Do you budget your finances?

� Are you a compulsive liar? Do you give compliments? Do you relax? Are you a peaceful person?

Do you critcize people?

� Are you loyal and committed to your family, mother, father, sister, brother, aunts, uncles, and

cousins, etc.

� What are your best qualities? Are you an envious person?

� Would you want to be your friend?

The reason these questions are being addressed is because people including myself do not see these areas being talked about as urgent needs, so we tend to take these areas for granted. It is time we begin to become consistent in all facets of our life. If you can answer yes in all or most of the questions proposed, you are a very consistent individual, and. please keep up the good work. If you answered yes to only one or two of the above questions; then you are a candidate who probably should work on improving certain areas of your life. Do not feel bad just work on improving your life.

Are you asking yourself, how are these questions considering whether an individual is a consistent or inconsistent individual? Well, they are not, because these are just helpful questions to help you pin point areas of inconsistency. We could have listed more questions, but we only listed eight categories that are personal and intimate. You can list more questions about yourself. The whole point of this article is to bring out how we take people we care about and ourselves for granted. And in the end we are building relationships that are very inconsistent.

Remember, if you are married take an inventory check on are you being faithful to your marriage vows? Any single that is in a relationship should ask the following questions. Are you honoring the wishes asked of you by your mate? Are you overeating, but continuing to complain about your clothes not fitting? Are you always on probation at work due to late attendance? Do you find yourself being envious of others accomplishments, but will not challenge yourself? What kind of relationship do you have with your family members; do you call them regularly or visit them? You see the list can go on and on.

The whole purpose of acknowledging people who are very consistent and those who are inconsistent is to point out how we are not perfect. We have too many people in relationships that are living very inconsistent lives. And who are not aware of how it is hurting the other individuals; who are trying to work on keeping a lasting relationship.

In no way are we addressing this topic to say that the consistent people are better then the inconsistent person. The main objective is to pin point when we are being inconsistent and consistent in a relationship. There are times that the roles will reverse in different situations.

Meaning the inconsistent person will find that they are more consistent in some areas, and vice versus. We are stating this point to make each person aware of how they are handling themselves in their relationship. We are aiming for each person to live a consistent and balanced life in their relationships.

Being consistent acknowledges you as a very dependable person, a person of character, and a person who respects themselves and others. Your words when spoken are valued, trusted and respected.

This is a place of high esteem, living as a consistent individual. We all should want to be or become a person that is valued for how they treat themselves, family, friends, associates or co-workers.

Let this article provoke every reader to live higher standards in their everyday life. Let us also challenge ourselves to live consistent lifestyles. May we always enjoy life consistently!

About Author:

Michele R. Hughes is a Lifestyles Inspirational Coach. She has also written her first book, called "The Secret's Out". This book is written about a relationship going bad, but includes a workbook on having and choosing healthy relationships. Ms. Hughes is open for seminars, workshops and speaking engagements. She also hosts a radio show every week called: "Love, Sex, Marriage and Relationships Show. Get more information at: http://www.thesecretsoutsite.net

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Michele_R._Hughes

Excerpts from my upcoming book

�When Ties Break: Thriving After Loss�

(Updated the 4th week of every month.)

My father was barely cold in the ground. The asbestos he had worked with for a short time as a young man had finally taken his life. The cancer struck during his first year of retirement and would rob my parents of all the things they had planned to do in their golden years. In spite of the many prayers offered up for his healing, in spite of God's work he still wanted to do, and in spite of how much I wanted him to stay, it was not meant to be. A life well lived had come to an end, before I was ready to let him go.
His scent lingered in the bedroom where he had spend his last days. It was a mixture of medicine, old spice and a sick person confined to their room for weeks. The blinds were open with sun shine pouring in while his favorite flowers adorned the room. But the flowers could not cancel out the smell of death. Just down the hall his office remained untouched. It was here that he spent much of his time preparing sermons and talking to God .
Sitting in the dining room sipping a cup of hot tea, I suddenly had a premonition that something horrible was about to happen. What could be more terrible than burying a parent? Even though I had planned to stay longer, it was as if I were being compelled to return to my own home.
Placing my suitcase at the side door, I went into the den to tell my mother I had decided to go home for a few days. Just as I finished hugging her and turned to speak with my sister, the horrible feeling came true. Stan approached me with a snarl on his face.

The saddest day of my father's life had been in July of 1984 when my sister, Pam, lost her battle with cancer at the age of 36. He learned to accept her death, but in some ways he never got over it. On the day of his death two of the people I had loved the most would now be together, but I had been left behind. Left to fight with a brother that had disowned me, a sister caught in the middle, and a mother unequipped to handle this family tragedy.
This is the true story of my life. It is a story of emotional and physical abuse, loss and pain, the struggle to find myself, and to understand God. It is a story of survival and rebirth, and it is my hope that it will be an inspiration to those who are discouraged, desperate to find their way, or whose faith in God has grown weak.

As the baby, I just wanted to be like my brother and sisters. I wanted to do what they were doing and go where they were going. But as all babies in the family, I was usually told that I was too young. "Stop whining. stop picking your nose. go to your room. leave usalone. you're too little." Tattling became what I could do to get back at them.
As often as I could, I'd go out in my skiff. One day I drifted further and further away from home. That was the first time I remember feeling true fear. As darkness fell I approached the Outer Banks. There were no permanent residents at the time. The area was undeveloped with horses and boars running wild. With no way to call for help the only sound I heard was waves breaking and the occasional cry of a sea gull.
The first day of school had finally arrived. I was wearing a clean dress; my hair was neatly braided, and I wondered what my teacher would be like. My older sister, Pam, walked with me to my class and made sure I was all right. I felt lost. I had only been living there a short time, and didn't see anyone that I knew.
We had recess two times a day. It was outside on the playground that I first realized how different I was from the other students. When I tried to talk to them, they said they could not understand me. I would find myself repeating words or trying to communicate by using gestures. Some of the kids laughed, others teased me, but mostly they just kept their distance.

As time went by, I was aware that my teachers thought I was different. They tried hard to make me be like my classmates. But I was not like everyone else. I was an outsider on a very small island where everyone knew everyone, and outsiders stuck out like overgrown nasty weeds in a beautiful rose garden. At that time, new residents were viewed with suspicion, and my father had generated much attention.
My father quickly made a name for himself as the Bible toting, fanatical minister of the local Holiness church. Though the islanders were religious and conservative, they didn't always understand the strange things, like speaking in tongues and rolling in the floor that happened in the Holiness Church.
My love of reading helped me to survive some of those difficult times. Reading took me to faraway places. Places where I could be myself and everyone liked me even if I was different.. The island in many ways seemed magical to me. Because it had been isolated for so many years and had customs that were unique, it was different from the town we had previously lived in. Only two or three families had a phone, and there were few televisions. We could not afford a phone, and my father thought televisions were a sin.
Unlike many young girls that played house and dressed up in their mother's clothes awaiting the handsome prince, I played church. I remember standing on my little red chair and belting out a sermon for anyone that happened to pass by. On one occasion, when I was seven or eight years old, I felt the call to preach. It was a Sunday night, the church was packed with no empty seats and people were even standing outside looking through the windows.

Anxiously, I watched as the waves got bigger, and the water came closer to our house. Soon, the wind was beating against the window panes with such force that it felt as if the house would be blown away. Looking out the window, I saw the neighbor's dog house, dead horses from the outer banks, several small boats and all kinds of debris floating by. Thank goodness we had brought my skill inside. As darkness fell, I was fearful for my life, but my father comforted me with his words.
Legend is that many years ago during terrible storms, the island people would actually tie themselves together by rope, so that no one would be lost. They lived together, worked together, played together, and went to school together. Because the island was so isolated at that time they were totally dependent upon each other and God. More importantly they survived together. Perhaps this is the true meaning of "it takes a village."
After four years of therapy, my speech had improved but not enough to quit the weekly sessions. I had picked up a little bit of the island accent, which complicated my problem. My new school was larger, so I did not stick out as much, and there were other new students just like me.
Two years later, middle school brought more challenges for me, and I would again realize how different I was. I finally graduated from speech therapy, but by this time, my dad had made a name for himself in town. Though the charismatic movement was starting to gain momentum, the Pentecostal Holiness Church was still misunderstood by many.

I was getting taller but was very skinny and had started wearing glasses in the sixth grade. I had absolutely no shape at all. My waist, hips, and bust were all about the same measurement. Though our money situation was better now, I often wore the hand me downs of my two older sisters, and conservative was the name of the game. Slacks were not allowed and I don't think I even owned any at that time. I had one black winter coat that I hated with a passion. As soon as I got on the bus I would try to hide it. It was a reject from my grandmother, and my parents were not concerned with my fitting in.
In September, a few weeks after school started, I approached a group in the hallway and heard someone say, "There's four eyed pole." I started to approach a class mate that I thought looked friendly, and I heard someone in the group say, "Her dad's the minister at the Holiness church, you know the one where they do all those strange things." Here we go again I thought - no one is going to like me because I am different. Lunch breaks became the worst part of the day for me. Most of the students had been together for seven years and had their own friends. I did not fit in with anyone.
Prayer and meditation were terms that I heard often, but never did anyone tell me as a child, that being a Christian could be fun. It seemed all the fun stuff was wrong. Sundays were the worst. That was God's day, a day for good deeds and rest. I could not watch TV or do anything pleasurable on Sunday. Many of those afternoons were spent visiting the sick or those less fortunate. If I was at home, I was in my bedroom reflecting on how I could be a better person.
Four years later, when my father agreed to pastor another church, I was happy to be moving again. I was glad to be getting away from all the kids at school who had teased me so cruelly. The town we were moving to was less than ten miles from Wrightsville Beach, and I would be close to the water again.

Life Transitions | 4642 W. Market St. # 363 | Greensboro | NC 27407-1285 | Margaret@margaretnortonlifecoach.com

� 2007-2008, Margaret Norton. All Rights Reserved.

Domestic abuse cycle breakers

Article from: The Sunday Tasmanian

MICHAEL STEDMAN

February 23, 2008 12:00am

POLICE say the state's tough Safe at Home laws have helped victims break out of the cycle of domestic abuse.

But community groups want more resources to support victims who leave abusive spouses.

The issue of domestic violence has been highlighted in recent weeks with charges laid against former AFL footballer Wayne Carey for assaulting a police officer in Miami, Florida, after smashing a glass on his girlfriend, Tasmanian Kate Neilson.

It was allegedly the third confrontation between Carey and Ms Neilson that police had been involved in.

Relationships Australia Tasmania chief executive officer Susan Holmes said it was often difficult for victims of domestic violence to leave abusive relationships.

She said sufferers of systematic abuse came to see it as acceptable behaviour and others simply had nowhere to turn.

"I think that can change if there is more support, if women have a better understanding of the impact on children and access to other support like housing and financial assistance," Ms Holmes said.

Last month, Justice Minister Steve Kons announced a review of the Safe at Home legislation, revealing that between June 2005 and December last year, more than 12,400 incidents of family violence were reported.

Ms Holmes hoped the review would result in more support for families affected by violence.

Safe at Home's Tasmania Police co-ordinator Sgt Debbie Williams said there was already a strong inter-agency approach to dealing with domestic violence.

She denied the legislation was heavy-handed, saying the pro-arrest and pro-charge policy, under which police pursue prosecution, had brought a once private crime into the open.

While the number of incidents reported had increased since Safe at Home was introduced, the number of deaths associated with family violence had fallen from seven between 2000 and 2003 to four in the years since.

Ms Williams said police were often dealing with second and third-generation abusers who themselves grew up in violent households.

Domestic abuse cycle breakers

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